Learning How to Begin Again

Change can really throw you down on your knees. I’m not talking about the kind of change that rearranges your schedule for the day or even a bad haircut. I’m talking about losing your job kind of change. Finding out you’re expecting a baby kind of change. After years of being in a relationship, you are now single again kind of change. The kind of change that alters your life. These changes can leave you confused about the right decisions to make. Maybe it's due to a previous poor choice or just pure coincidence (eventhough I don't believe in coincidences). Despite the fact, this is now the time to make the “right” decision and pick up the pieces. You must begin again. 

True, there is always a moment to mourn, pity yourself, complain, debate with the little voice inside on what you should have and could have done, but this window is short. Life will continue to move forward whether or not you are ready to act. Once you act you are no longer in free fall, but you do enter a world of uncertainty and doubt. Looking at how much is left in your bank account is nerve wrecking. Deciding you’re going to bring a life into the world before you are ready is scary. Allowing someone to get to know you, like really really get to know you is terrifying. Change has its way of questioning the person you thought you were. The one thing these challenges guarantee is this: it makes you into the person you were scared you would become OR it turns into the kind of person that is greater than you dared to imagine. These life altering changes are meant to make us, expand us, and free us from the small box we put ourselves

 in.

As I approach 25, I find myself nervous of the change that is coming my way: the things I didn’t anticipate, the things I banked on but haven’t happened yet…. mainly the way that I’m changing. Your 20's, 30's, 40's all have their moments, but your 20's in particular is when you begin to become that adult you’ve envisioned since your preteen years. What you have been preparing for is starting to fall into place little by little, and it’s easy to want to delay the inevitable (growing-up). It’s easy to say you’re just not ready yet. My peers are the most over-parented generation yet. More and more of us have moved back home. Many of our parents are involved in many, if not most of decisions. There is an invisible safety blanket that can be relied on if life gets a bit too rough. In the long run this is not what will help us see what we are made of, it’ll only reaffirm what we already fear—I can’t do it. Challenging yourself to not live in that thought is the battle. Choosing to act as if YOU ARE READY will bring out the best you have to offer, for that’s the only person that can make it happen.  

Change will absolutely throw you on your knees and make you feel small, but know that on the way up, there’s a strength that can never leave you because now you know it can be done.

I. HAVE. CHANGED.

“Drop the idea of becoming someone, because you are already a masterpiece. You cannot be improved. You have only to come into it, to know it, to realize it. To be.” –Osho

When it comes to changing, people often think you must evolve into something not quite how you really are, but instead of how you should be. People have a way of expressing change as a place they are heading to. A place that is above who they are now and into the light of what they are supposed to be. The stretch of change seems so far and a bit unrealistic. Major things must happen for you to reach the place to say:

 “I. Have. Changed.”

The truth is, when we are changing we are becoming more of the person that is inside of us, more of the person that you say you are when no one is around. You are becoming the person you already knew but did not take the time to show. You are becoming you.

It is easy to debate how change is so radical and drawn out. It is more comfortable to dismiss  what you really are so your day can go smoothly, your career can go smoothly, your week can go smoothly, your relationship can run smoothly, your year can run smoothly……your LIFE, can run smoothly.

Can you imagine the kind of bumps you would cause if you truly expressed yourself in your relationship when asked, ‘What are you thinking about?’ Can you imagine the awkward moment shared by you and your close friends as you acted out a side that’s always been there but they have never seen.

Change seems so far away, into the future. It feels beyond where you can see. But if you look inside yourself for exactly what you are & exactly what you’re not, you will find nothing but reasons to show it. Show it to everyone you meet. Show it to those close to you, and the ones who barely know you. Change into what’s really inside: the reasons of who you are, the ideas you have, the talents you have been given, the things that make you truly happy. Don’t hold these back. You need to show these.

For to change who you are, is to change into who you really are.

The Pain of Hardship.

“Seek and ye shall find, ask and you shall receive, knocketh and the door will be open unto you.”

Sometimes in life we are brought into situations that are unexpected, inconceivable, and truly daunting. It is hard to see and understand why difficulties come about in our lives when we least expect it. It’s alarming when something happens that completely changes how you feel, changes what you’re doing, or what you're thinking. Those are just the initial feelings. The ones under the second layer are even worse. You start blaming yourself for being so stupid, and not doing things better, not foreseeing this disaster, pothole, misstep, hiccup beforehand. You thought you knew better by now than to make these kind of mistakes. You should know better; you should be better.

Sometimes in life we are given the same challenges until we have learned the lesson. It doesn’t matter how many times it has happened. It doesn’t matter the last time it actually happened. What matters is what was taken from the experience.

 Did you reflect on the incident and hear the message that was trying to reach you? Did you learn anything about yourself from that scenario? Have you grown or are you continuing to do same thing expecting a different set of outcomes next time around? 

The laws of life do not change; they do not waiver. 

They are steady and true. 

They are not affected by the trends of time or altered by the light of day. The laws of the land will be here to better you, expand your heart and get you that much closer to embracing your life. It is here to teach---- nothing more and nothing less. Take heed to the lessons life throws your way, even the soft ones, because each one has a story to tell about you and where you’re going. It is much easier to turn away from the pain of hardship, but the challenge is to immerse yourself into it. See it from all sides. Grasp on the message and understand, truly understand its teaching, for in that moment you allow yourself to grow. Without growth there is no life.

When the Time Comes (because it will) Be Couragous

Courage is the most important of all the virtues; for without it you can’t practice any of the others consistently--- Maya Angelou

There are many times courage needs to be expressed by your truest self. When you want to tell the one you love, that you now doubt the relationship’s survival, that takes courage. When you tell a family member to stop talking to you in a way that makes you feel small and disrespected, that takes courage. When you say out loud, ‘I am pursuing my dream no matter what anyone else has to say about it!’ That takes courage.  Courage is needed to declare what is best for you. It is used to give yourself what you yearn for. Yet, we are taught to consider someone else’s needs before we consider our own. We are taught to weigh the feelings of others higher than our own feelings. In doing this, we expect our feelings will be equally considered and honored by the other person in that moment and moments to come. 

Instead, what do we learn time after time? People are satisfied once their opinions are acknowledged and feel it unnecessary to ask how you feel about the situation. This is not wrong nor should these people be blamed.  One must learn to express their feelings in order for them to be acknowledged. It is like being upset at your boyfriend/girlfriend all day long, but refusing to tell them. Then we become even more furious for him/her not saying anything about the thing they don’t know you are upset about.  …………….That is pretty much how ridiculous it is to acknowledge someone else’s needs, desires, and feelings before your own. 

It takes courage to express compassion, commitment, honesty, and disappointment. Without the courage to do these things we are stuck—stuck in our ways, stuck in our life, stuck somewhere we really do not want to be. In turn, our authentic selves hate us for it. We wish we just said what was on our mind instead of stand silent. We punish ourselves for not going through with what we wanted in the first place due to doubt of it not working out. Time and time again, the would’ves and should’ves pile up like a mental dirty pile of laundry, it’s a constant reminder every time we take the chance to go somewhere new, try something different---- walk out the door. 

Luckily we can increase the amount of courage in our daily lives by asking this one simple question: 

                                                               Does this fit with me?

 If yes, then it’s easy to know what to do. If no, then that is where you find the opportunity to use courage. What you do after that will determine the kind of person you become. It will give you a chance to do the things that address your wants and needs. It will give the life you have in mind for yourself an opportunity to transcend. Don’t underestimate small occurrences to stand-up for yourself--- even if it is to yourself. Courage leads to more courage and allows you to embrace what it is to FEEL and BE courageous. When more opportunities come --- the BIG ones, because they will come ---- where you need to be strong enough to speak, determined enough to act and confident in what you want, it won’t be hard to know what’s the right thing to do, because by then you'll already know.

Friendships are Unnecessary, Like Philosophy... Like Art

~~At first it seemed like the two of them had a lot in common. They shared the same interests---cheer leading, dancing, boys, Lifetime, school, clothes, boys. But what drew them in were the secrets they held so tightly; the ones no one knew about. Undisclosed realities that only had a purpose in their alternate lives. Secrets that were easy to keep from others until they met each other. ~~

The beginning of a friendship between best friends usually starts different from all the others. There’s something unique that happens. The foundation is made of concrete, thorns, seashells and glitter---the basis of the bond is unexplainable.

~~There was nothing they didn’t go through hand-in-hand. You think you're pregnant? Which test, First Response or Equate? You and your mom just fought? You can stay with me. Is someone trying to fight you? Hold on, let me put my things down. Fights between these two were few and far between, but each fight had pulled them closer than before. Eventually, distance due to college took a toll on the friendship, but whenever there were home visits, nothing had really changed.~~

Because of history, family ties, mutual friendships, it is easier to avoid or dismiss ill feelings. It is easier to give an excuse for people called friends. For the thought of them not being there is hard to conceive. Sometimes it’s easier to place blame on yourself for being the problem, the one out of whack, the one being difficult, just so the other person can stay as dear to you as the day you met.

~~As one grows so does the other. Boyfriends come and go. Jobs are gained and lost. Residents change. New cars are bought. As their life propels forward, their friendship does not. It is hard for them to make time for each other. Uncomfortable feelings arise when phone calls aren’t returned or promises aren’t kept. One starts to feel like she can’t talk to the other, at least not the way she used to. Automatically she blames herself for not being as agreeable or available as she could. She beats herself up for not always saying or doing the right thing. The truth was they were no longer best friends, but she didn’t want to admit it. She’d rather have things a complete mess than to believe that. She fought with that reality over and over until she was left hurt, embarrassed, confused, offended, resentful and eventually numb. ~~

No matter how hard you try to overlook it, the truth always reveals itself even if it has to knock you out to do it. Accepting the right to feel the way you do without diminishing your emotions for others is what allows a friendship to grow and blossom.

~~Eventually admitting that she was just a bad friend had to said. There it was. Something that simple took nearly a year to admit.  Although it wasn’t always like that, it had been a long time since she was what a friend should be. You talk about being bridesmaids and your children being best friends for so long, you lose sight of what friendship truly is: loving, understanding, considerate, honest, encouraging, supportive, and accepting of who you are. Embracing that certain friendships aren’t meant to last forever has brought the kind of connections that are effortless, enjoyable, authentic and comforting. Each and every relationship we build is for growth. Once we’re no longer growing that friend's immediate presence is no longer needed. We are meant to change and flourish...nothing in our world is meant to stay the same, especially pain. ~~

How Do You Walk Away..

Walking away from something that’s not good for you isn’t easy. It’s not easy to keep telling yourself this is it and knowing it’s not. It’s not easy wanting something different but choosing the complete opposite. Asking yourself, why you aren’t making better decisions…the right decisions. You know exactly what you’re looking for don’t you? He has to be funny. He has to be nice, but still know when to be a little rude. I like that. He has to know what he wants out of life and moving towards it in some fashion, because a man that looks forward to his future is sexy. He has to be able to kiss me anywhere. I don’t care if it’s the grocery store, the club, or the park; PDA is a must. He has to be able to speak his mind; seeing that is so nice. He must be intelligent; intelligence is just EVERYTHING. Everyone’s not big on learning. I get that, but that’s not me. I love learning new things. I research almost everything. In those late night phone calls, 2 am drives on Friday nights, meet-ups after work, and road trips out of town, to know that with you my mind grows pleases me. These are the things I wanted but not the things I chose. The men I dated weren’t bad by any means. They just weren’t right for me and sometimes not good for me. Some of them were “closer” to what I wanted but still…..still they lacked what I was yearning for. It almost started to ache to feel so empty for so many people. I thought I wasn’t losing any energy or time, but I was wrong. Our life is nothing but the sum of our time. The sum of the things that we choose to make important. But like I said, walking away from something that’s not good for you isn’t easy. I had to understand why I chose mediocre and not the best. I wasn’t asking for impossible things. I simply needed to be treated with tenderness and compassion, for someone to see me for who I (truly) am---that was most important because that’s not something I had ever had-- and be perfectly happy with that. Also many other things and everything at the same time, but who in their right mind doesn’t want it all? I knew I deserved it, at least part of me did. But yet in my mind I made it sound like an outrageous request of life. So I thought I could date ones I knew weren’t right until I met “Mr. Right.” Except, that’s not how it works. It takes saying no to the things you don’t want and waiting to say Yes to the things you do. It’s about choosing what’s good for you over the bad. Walking away from something that’s unhealthy, exhausts you, stifles you, makes u feel further away from the person you want to be. Admitting to yourself what you honestly want and only choosing those things and absolutely nothing else. It’s then that doors open to possibilities that only existed in your daydreams to feel, to breathe fully …to love. 

Are You Scared of Messing Up Your Life...

I’ve been confronted with a lot of options recently. Many of which that would alternate the plan I had in place for myself. It could be for the good or not so good. I really don't like messing up, especially my life! Truth is, there’s really no guarantee to what your future will look like. Anything can happen today or tomorrow that completely changes your life forever, and ultimately changes you. I often heard my parents say “Thank you God for waking me up this morning.” Even though I know waking-up each day is not a given, after waking up so often with no problems… 365 days for 24 years, 7 months, and 18 days. After 8,991 times it starts to feel like a given, but it’s not. The reality is that people lose their life every single minute without knowing it's coming. That could be my reality tomorrow, or yours or your parents. There’s no guarantees in this life so why do we live each day as if we have forever? Why are we so cautious to not make radical changes in what career we choose, who we love, where we live, the kinds of friends we make? As if we’re waiting on a defining moment that says “The time is now young grasshopper. Go, you’re free to live!” If you knew a moment like that would never come, that no one will ever give you permission to live out your desires, that people are going to question your optimism for wanting a life that doesn’t fit the norm, that you will feel crazy for going towards something you want even though you don’t know how to get there. If you knew all those things now, would you start living your truth tomorrow? Would you start showing your gratitude by living a life that was meant for you? I can guarantee that all of the things I mentioned earlier will absolutely happen, but if it’s any consolation, you will also be the happiest you’ve ever been. You will meet people that bring you closer to what you desire. Opportunities will present itself that feel like miracles (because they will be). You will start resembling the person you’ve always wanted to be. But this takes risk. Each and every day it takes being optimistic about what you want in life and doing something that will bring it closer to it. We don’t know what tomorrow will be but what we do have is today. Wake-up and create it.